Funny Thing Happened…

As I walked into the supermarket of the city where I live (yes, there is just the one supermarket in the city where I live), I went to get a packet of chewing gum by the registers, standing there for a moment, thinking to myself if I wanted the Stimorol I always get or if I wanted something with a fruity tinge to them, not realizing that this decision would have a majorly big impact on the rest of my blogging year.

For the first time in a very long time I chose to get the fruity ones. They promised Tropical Freshness and I simply couldn’t resist. I paid and left the store, opening my packet of TF and being moments away from savoring the flavor when a man stopped me, looking me up and down and asking in a rather brusque tone:

“How old are you? Are you from around here?”

I stood frozen with surprise, gum almost at lips (the scent promising all that the catchy name eluded to), looking at this rather short, stocky man with a shade on his face which bordered on being an actual beard and wondering if I had cause for alarm or not when he suddenly grabbed my arm, which made me stop wondering and draw a breath to yell for help.

He stopped me by saying:

“Congratulations! You’re the winner!”

“The winner of what?” I asked, suspicious.

He commenced pulling me down the street in a not very mild fashion and I commenced trying futilely to get out of his grip. (He was an intimidatingly strong short, stocky guy.)

“Of the contest,” he replied, as though everyone in town knew about this contest and he couldn’t believe I was even asking him to explain himself.

“Look, I’m not going anywhere with you until you tell me where you’re taking me,” I protested, really digging my heels in and actually managing to slow him down.

“I can’t tell you where I’m taking you until we get there,” he stated.

I finally drew that breath to yell for help, but it was early on a Monday, which meant the town square and all its surrounding streets lay deserted, and his hand over my mouth wasn’t noticed by anyone in sight, at least. He pulled me in through the door of an apartment building, pushed me up against the wall and looked at me with somber eyes.

“Here’s the deal,” he said. “I work for the company that manufacture that gum.”

I stared at him, then at the piece of gum still clenched between two fingers, then back at him.

Was he for real, this dude?

“Dude, are you for real?” I asked.

“They have been looking for a spokesperson for the Tropical Freshness taste and yoooouuuuu’re the winner!” his voice echoed through the stairwell of the building like some spookily enhanced announcer voice on TNA.

From nowhere he seemed to produce a contract looking bunch of papers and my eyes grew even rounder.

“What do you say?” he asked with a pleasant smile.

It actually was pleasant and it put my guard up even higher.

“I’m scared you’re going to sell me to the highest bidder,” I answered him honestly.

He blinked, then threw his head back in a short bark of a laugh before fixing me with his dark eyes again.

“You will work very hard for seven months,” he assured, “but this is all legitimate. I assure you.”

Did I sign? Did I go with this crazy person? Did I actually even believe he was for real? Find out in the next post!

………………………………. Kidding!

I read the contract very carefully right there in the stairwell. I asked to see the guys ID. I asked to speak to the head of the organization. I asked for a private helicopter, a limo, ten bars of fine belgian chocolate and a lapdog named Suze. When they actually complied on all accounts – I did sign the damn document. I just didn’t realize that my German tour of Tropical Freshness seminars and waving out the window of the damn limo would eat up the whole seven months without leaving me any time to do much of anything else! If I’d realized I would have added a clause allowing me time to update my blog, for goodness sakes.

So, that’s where I’ve been all this time.

Or something like it.


~ by mescribe on October 26, 2011.

2 Responses to “Funny Thing Happened…”

  1. Wherever you were, I’m glad you’re back!

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